Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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