NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
