i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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