I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
