omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
