it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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