Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
