there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
As shirtless as possible
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
