You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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