But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
