pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
