Ambien. No doubt about it.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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