when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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