I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
