so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
