So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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