1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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