And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize