I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
