I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
