...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
