So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
