So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
