How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
