i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
