im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
