I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
