Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
