I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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