I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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