he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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