I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
