I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
