I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
