When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize