how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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