You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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