Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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