i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
