he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
