dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
