the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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