Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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