I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
