mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
