The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
