FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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