im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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