how can u be prego again
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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