i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
