he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
