Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
