just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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