Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
