a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
