At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
